WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY SHORT STORY? DOES IT GRAB YOU? HOW CAN I MAKE IT BETTER?
I couldn’t believe my eyes. How did this happen? This couldn’t be true. The last thing I remember is walking to my cousin, Sarah’s house for her birthday slumber party when my friend, Kylie, sent a text message to me saying to look up because there is a blue moon and I did look up. Straight up at the beautiful blue moon. I was surprised to see it was actually blue! I heard that there were blue moons but they were extremely rare. I smiled knowing I could brag about this for years. I was one of the few people who actually saw a blue moon. One of the few still alive. I stared at it for a few seconds because my neck was getting a little stiff. When I looked down, I was mystified. I wasn’t where I was when I looked up at the blue moon. I was in a completely irrelevant place and it was daylight. My mind must be playing tricks with me because a few seconds ago, it was night. It didn’t make sense at all. I looked up again to see if the blue moon was still there. It wasn’t, instead there was a bright yellow sun staring down at me from the blue sky. I glanced around at my surroundings. I was in a small clearing in a forest of trees that is no where near my home or on the way to Sarah’s. we live in New Jersey and it is so crowded there, seeing more than 5 trees clumped together almost never happens. I told myself that I probably fainted while looking at the blue moon and awoke to the new day. It was probable as I did have a history of fainting but it didn’t explain why I wasn’t in the same place I was before I fainted. I reached into my pocket to get my cell to see if there was any signal. My pocket was empty. I had lost my phone. Great. Now my parents were going to kill me if they didn’t already. My phone could have helped me because it has a G.P.S. in it and now I had no chance but for trial and error. I walked in the direction of the warm summer breeze, knowing it had to lead somewhere. As I walked I carefully took notice of every detail I passed. I did not want to end up doing a full circle. There was more than just the ordinary in this forest. I kept seeing glimpses of small human like creatures with wings flying about. They didn’t seem to think that I was anything out of the ordinary which was really weird because usually all animals-creatures sense strangers and instinct tells them to run away or hide in the trees. I did a three-sixty to see if I was going in the right direction when I noticed smoke coming from someplace to my left. I turned and hiked my way to the smoke. I knew it was a chimney so I could ask the people who lived there for help and where in the world I was. As I got closer, I realized it was a chimney and it was connected to a small cottage. The cottage had a thatch roof and looked like those cute ones in the fairytales I read when I was little. This particular one reminded me of Sleeping Beauty. She also lived in a cottage tucked away in the woods. But she lived with faeries. The thought of faeries sent goosebumps on my arms, reminding me of the strange winged creatures I saw. The front yard looked very untidy with weeds sprouting out everywhere. The grass was tall and there was a fallen tree just lying there as if no one bothered to move it away. A small garden stood out brightly in the yard like how a gold nugget will stand out in the midst of black coal. It was the only place in the whole yard where you could actually see the ground. There was an old man in the front yard of the faerie tale cottage with a gray beard and wrinkly pale skin. He had a brown hat on, a white shirt which was crinkly and covered in dirt after a days hard work, he was wearing brown trousers which were covered in mud as if he had just fell into a muddy puddle. His black Wellington boots were barely visible underneath the tall overgrown unkept grass. He was caring to the garden; pulling out the fresh grown tomatoes and basil. When he finally noticed me, he looked shocked. That wasn’t that much of a surprise. It didn’t look to me at all that this person ever got visitors. I felt sorry for him that he lived so isolated in the forest without any company. I wondered if he still knew how to talk. He opened his mouth, “Come inside. We will have food and tea while we discuss why you are standing in my lawn.†I took a small step back thinking if I should go into the old man’s small cottage. I didn’t know him at all and in this world, you can never trust a stranger. But I was lost in the woods and who knew how long it would take me to get out without the help of someone. I could always run if I thought he was dangerous. He was an old man with all the signs of age and I was a young girl with all the signs of youth well except for pimples. I followed the old man thorough the front door and inside. The old man took of his hat and put it on a coat rack. I stopped in the middle of my tracks and my jaw dropped. OHMIGOD! The old man’s ears were large and pointed like an elf’s! He st
Books & Authors - 15 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
short story? that thing is like a full book! who would waist there time putting it on yahoo anyways!
2 :
you left your caps lock on when you asked the question? P.S no one is going to read this
3 :
Is is a really good story belive in your i just know you'll do great
4 :
Oh yea very SHORT story!!! I dont think this is a short story!! Well this story is to long i didnt read! but then i did its good just use more voice!
5 :
I like it, just make sure to keep the same tense (a few times you used present), also use more sensory detail, the concept is good, just not so believable or relative yet. Keep writing ;)
6 :
um it was ok....personally i try not to incorperate common gadgets into my fiction writing.
7 :
It was pretty good. :D Good jobb.
8 :
its pretty good and yes it is a short story.you just have too many short sentences you need to combine some and get rid of some
9 :
I'm sorry to say I stopped reading after the first paragraph. You're probably not going to like my coments and advice about the writing, but you'll have to learn to deal with troubling coments. It's moving much to fast, I can't seem to grasp onto one emotion. Were is all the detail? what exactly is she feeling? because if this moving to fast, and lack on detail our readers can hardly tell what's going on right now. You need to come up with a more creative begginning. Sentances like, "How could this be happening?" and "What's going on!" are used way to much. That first sentance was ment for your readers to continue reading, but all it really did was make them say, "Oh, it's another one of THESE stories again". I'm not trying to be rude, just trying to prove a point and tell you that in needs more work. I didn't read the whole thing, no that's true, I didn't even read half! But in my opinion, this exactly isn't what you want to happen, I didn't think the story was worth it at the first sentance. People, go ahead and yell at me. I'm reading it as a writer, not a reader. If you want real opinions and advice, people who havn't writen before can't really give you good advice. Enough said, please work on it.
10 :
It was pretty good, I was interested most of the time. But the ending was weird...
11 :
my only problem with it was the lack of voice.
12 :
You have a few grammatical mistakes, and, in my opinion, don't say "OHMIGOD!" That is not good writing. The first paragraph did not grab me, but it was good once I forced myself to read the rest. You just need to brush up and edit a bit.
13 :
You posted this yesterday, but this time you posted more of it. There are still some tense issues. There isn't very good flow. The protagonist doesn't really have a personality. And I can't really put my finger on what else is wrong with it. It needs work, still. And you haven't really changed the first paragraph.
14 :
I'm sorry. I didn't even have to read your story to figure out if I liked it--it's so long!!! There's no "white space", the grammar is kinda bad, and it seems like you use too many adjectives. The best thing you could do right now, is... make a new paragraph every time the NEXT person speaks. Keep the GOOD adjectives, and don't go overboard with describing. Make it sound old fashioned, flowery, and yet, short. (Example: "he looked shocked"--"he blinked surprisingly at her". That's just an example. Maybe not a good one, though. LOL.) (I need to improve my own writing by looking up all these Yahoo! Questions. LOL) OK, good luck!!
15 :
your little story???Is this LITTLE !!! Honey your story sucks, I liked how you began ,it was really good. WoW blue moon ?How did you come up with this??? but i didn't understand the part where you say she fainted and woke up?? or she had never fainted ??? Anyway keep the begging and start over the rest of the story good luck : )
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
losing weight and loving to cook
losing weight and loving to cook?
Ok i have quite a dilemma. I love cooking new foods and new desserts that i havent before. Its my passion and i hope to attend a culinary school sometime in the future to one day open my own restaurant. I am also 240 lbs and hating the weight i put on. lets just say a year and a half ago i was 180lbs then something traumatic happened (wont say what) that made me find comfort in the foods i shouldn't eat. I always loved cooking food and i do up until now (it had nothing to do with that event, its always been something i enjoy). i cook for my family and i want to eat healthier but i dont want to impose my eating changes to the rest plus i dont want to stop learning new dishes either. I always find, though, like if i make a cake, that im eating (over the week) a big chunk of it. i dont know how to lose weight without stifling my desire to cook good food. i like vegetables but i couldnt see myself becoming a vegetarian. anyone have ideas for ways to lose weight when dealing with food habits? i get i need to exercise but what about the food and my desire to try and make things like beef wellington or a mousse cake (i really just want to make them to learn more than i want to eat it but then i end up eating it anyways because it would be a waste otherwise). Is there any way i can make the foods i want to make and still lose weight? for instance, i wanted to try making this cake i saw at a pastry shop. now i dont really care tooo much about eating it as much as i care about learning the techniques and doing the sugar work (decoration on the cake). I really want to make it and get the sense of accomplishment from making a beautiful cake but then i think about wanting to lose weight and having to eat some of the cake. what can i do in situations like that?
Diet & Fitness - 3 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
I can see your dilemma. It's like asking an alcoholic who works at the bar to not drink as much right? Well maybe that's an extreme example but you catch my drift. B/c you want to attend culinary school, you will always be around good food obviously. Now i've never been to culinary school and am no expert but I don't see it anywhere in the rulebook that a chef has to eat all his food! Sure you will need to taste it to make sure it's legit but you don't have to eat everything you make. Another thing is that there are plenty of chefs who are not overweight. I've seen a ton of fat ones but there still are fairly thin ones. They probably workout more and or watch portions. I think the key to you is since you're going to be around yummy food to limit the portions while eating.
2 :
Little Tricks To Help You Lose Weight Fast Yeah we all know that we are supposed to cut calories, do cardio and hit the gym to get in shape, but there are lots of little tricks you shouldn't ignore if you want to slim down quick. Good Luck and Take care :-) Take The Stairs Taking the stairs instead of the elevator every day can help you burn some extra calories. It may not seem like a lot but it adds up. Over a period of a year, taking the stairs can burn off an extra five lbs. of fat.
3 :
If you are looking for fast diet method, you can use my method. I lost 15 pounds in one month. If you are serious about diet you should have a look this method. It is fast if you know correct information to do diet. You can find more information at link below.
Ok i have quite a dilemma. I love cooking new foods and new desserts that i havent before. Its my passion and i hope to attend a culinary school sometime in the future to one day open my own restaurant. I am also 240 lbs and hating the weight i put on. lets just say a year and a half ago i was 180lbs then something traumatic happened (wont say what) that made me find comfort in the foods i shouldn't eat. I always loved cooking food and i do up until now (it had nothing to do with that event, its always been something i enjoy). i cook for my family and i want to eat healthier but i dont want to impose my eating changes to the rest plus i dont want to stop learning new dishes either. I always find, though, like if i make a cake, that im eating (over the week) a big chunk of it. i dont know how to lose weight without stifling my desire to cook good food. i like vegetables but i couldnt see myself becoming a vegetarian. anyone have ideas for ways to lose weight when dealing with food habits? i get i need to exercise but what about the food and my desire to try and make things like beef wellington or a mousse cake (i really just want to make them to learn more than i want to eat it but then i end up eating it anyways because it would be a waste otherwise). Is there any way i can make the foods i want to make and still lose weight? for instance, i wanted to try making this cake i saw at a pastry shop. now i dont really care tooo much about eating it as much as i care about learning the techniques and doing the sugar work (decoration on the cake). I really want to make it and get the sense of accomplishment from making a beautiful cake but then i think about wanting to lose weight and having to eat some of the cake. what can i do in situations like that?
Diet & Fitness - 3 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
I can see your dilemma. It's like asking an alcoholic who works at the bar to not drink as much right? Well maybe that's an extreme example but you catch my drift. B/c you want to attend culinary school, you will always be around good food obviously. Now i've never been to culinary school and am no expert but I don't see it anywhere in the rulebook that a chef has to eat all his food! Sure you will need to taste it to make sure it's legit but you don't have to eat everything you make. Another thing is that there are plenty of chefs who are not overweight. I've seen a ton of fat ones but there still are fairly thin ones. They probably workout more and or watch portions. I think the key to you is since you're going to be around yummy food to limit the portions while eating.
2 :
Little Tricks To Help You Lose Weight Fast Yeah we all know that we are supposed to cut calories, do cardio and hit the gym to get in shape, but there are lots of little tricks you shouldn't ignore if you want to slim down quick. Good Luck and Take care :-) Take The Stairs Taking the stairs instead of the elevator every day can help you burn some extra calories. It may not seem like a lot but it adds up. Over a period of a year, taking the stairs can burn off an extra five lbs. of fat.
3 :
If you are looking for fast diet method, you can use my method. I lost 15 pounds in one month. If you are serious about diet you should have a look this method. It is fast if you know correct information to do diet. You can find more information at link below.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Help needed- Renting in St. Leonards, NSW
Help needed- Renting in St. Leonards, NSW?
Am most probably moving into St Leonards suburb in Sydney. I am moving from Wellington in NZ and looking at the real estate sites the apartments on Seargent St and Herebert St look really beautiful. My only dilemma is that I haven't been to St Leonards so was wondering if you guys could help me and give me some feedback of the area vis-a-vis crime rate, transport, shops like grocery stores, westfield etc. I would be travelling to CBD daily for work (mon-fri) so please do tell me if its worthwhile renting in St. Leonards (looking only for studio apts for myself).. Also, what is the procedure for renting an apartment in Sydney like how to submit application for apartments one is interested in? Can it be done online??
Sydney - 2 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
St Leonards is a very nice area, lots of cafes, restaurants, bars, grocery stores. There is no westfield, the closest shopping centre is in chatswood (5 minute drive). Transport is really good from St Leonards, the train to the CBD takes about 15 mins and they come every 15 or so minutes in peak hour.There are also alot of buses that go to the CBD, and buses that go to Manly beach. You can apply for an apartment online, but i would go to a real estate agent, the best way to find an apartment is on www.domain.com.au Good luck!
2 :
I can't tell you anything about how to submit your application, but I live in a suburb right next to St. Leonards. It's a great place - there's a lot of shops there and the closest Westfield is at Chatswood - you can either catch the bus or the train there. It's 2 train stops and the bus would take 15 minutes. There is a train station at St. Leonards that goes directly to the city. There are also buses that go to the city so transport is not a problem here. The crime rate is pretty good in St. Leonards - the lower North Shore (where St. Leonards is), and the North Shore in general, has a very low crime rate, since it is one of the best areas of Sydney. If you're working in the city, St. Leonards would be a great place to rent.
Am most probably moving into St Leonards suburb in Sydney. I am moving from Wellington in NZ and looking at the real estate sites the apartments on Seargent St and Herebert St look really beautiful. My only dilemma is that I haven't been to St Leonards so was wondering if you guys could help me and give me some feedback of the area vis-a-vis crime rate, transport, shops like grocery stores, westfield etc. I would be travelling to CBD daily for work (mon-fri) so please do tell me if its worthwhile renting in St. Leonards (looking only for studio apts for myself).. Also, what is the procedure for renting an apartment in Sydney like how to submit application for apartments one is interested in? Can it be done online??
Sydney - 2 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
St Leonards is a very nice area, lots of cafes, restaurants, bars, grocery stores. There is no westfield, the closest shopping centre is in chatswood (5 minute drive). Transport is really good from St Leonards, the train to the CBD takes about 15 mins and they come every 15 or so minutes in peak hour.There are also alot of buses that go to the CBD, and buses that go to Manly beach. You can apply for an apartment online, but i would go to a real estate agent, the best way to find an apartment is on www.domain.com.au Good luck!
2 :
I can't tell you anything about how to submit your application, but I live in a suburb right next to St. Leonards. It's a great place - there's a lot of shops there and the closest Westfield is at Chatswood - you can either catch the bus or the train there. It's 2 train stops and the bus would take 15 minutes. There is a train station at St. Leonards that goes directly to the city. There are also buses that go to the city so transport is not a problem here. The crime rate is pretty good in St. Leonards - the lower North Shore (where St. Leonards is), and the North Shore in general, has a very low crime rate, since it is one of the best areas of Sydney. If you're working in the city, St. Leonards would be a great place to rent.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Where in NZ should I live
Where in NZ should I live?
I do not want to live in a big city such as Auckland and Wellington. I want to live in a small cabin, fairly isolated, on a very inexpensive piece of land. But I do not want to be too far away from society, because I will need a job. I want to be...ideally, 5 or 10 miles away from a town. I will probably be a waiter, so I will work at a restaurant, just to let you know. Preferably I would like to live in the woods, maybe near a nice lake to go fishing every now and then. But the main thing is: quiet, fairly isolated, and AS INEXPENSIVE AS POSSIBLE. Know any New Zealand areas that fit this description? Silverraven: Would you happen to know how much an acre of land costs in Wairoa? I know it depends, of course, but for example, how much for your property?
Other - New Zealand - 14 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
Check around the South Island. Queenstown would obviously be expensive to live in, but nearby you'll find exactly what you're looking for. Give a go.
2 :
i was thinking aukland, it has the best climate, but if you wanna avoid big cities maybe rotorura.
3 :
I have lived in Wairoa for 7 years. Wairoa is on the north Island on the east coast between Gisborne and Napier. It's very isolated and quiet. Lake Waikaremoana is near by.
4 :
Gisborne.
5 :
West Coast of the South Island, Greymouth, Hokitika, Westport or the Buller and Grey districts. It gets more expensive as you head up the Islands and living that close to a town it would have to be a small town, working in small town is not what you know.....it's who you know! Check out the website www.trademe.co.nz (NZs form of ebay) click on the property for sale and that will give you and idea Good luck and if you get here welcome
6 :
Gisborne or Taupo.
7 :
I would suggest the Taupo area, away from the tourist area and go around the sides of the lake from there.
8 :
methven
9 :
I actually think rotorua is the best place. It's not so big. The population is around 60,000-70,000 so it's not deserted like taupo. That's the worst place I have ever lived and rotorua and Auckland are the best places. Rotorua has alot of lakes near by but the houses are expensive. If U want inexPensive it's best to go to crappy toWns.
10 :
Live in the Waikato - plenty of options for living and the lakes are only an hour away. Plenty of work available as well
11 :
Christchurch or Hamilton for work and recreation. But anywhere in NZ is fine. Bon Voyage !!
12 :
I would live in ASHBURTON, in the South Island. We are a small town with good work available, and land is still cheap here.
13 :
the most inexpensive place would be in the southland region, tiny towns called 'nightcaps' and nearby places to there. $20,000NZ it cost my uncle to buy a 3 bedroom house with garage on its own section and there was no crime, if you want to go to a slightly larger town with more restuarants you could live in Invercargill which is also cheap but is big enough to have a mcdonalds in the north island Huntly and Wairoa are cheap, but there are gangs there and youth crime
14 :
West Coast South Island for you my friend. :)
I do not want to live in a big city such as Auckland and Wellington. I want to live in a small cabin, fairly isolated, on a very inexpensive piece of land. But I do not want to be too far away from society, because I will need a job. I want to be...ideally, 5 or 10 miles away from a town. I will probably be a waiter, so I will work at a restaurant, just to let you know. Preferably I would like to live in the woods, maybe near a nice lake to go fishing every now and then. But the main thing is: quiet, fairly isolated, and AS INEXPENSIVE AS POSSIBLE. Know any New Zealand areas that fit this description? Silverraven: Would you happen to know how much an acre of land costs in Wairoa? I know it depends, of course, but for example, how much for your property?
Other - New Zealand - 14 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
Check around the South Island. Queenstown would obviously be expensive to live in, but nearby you'll find exactly what you're looking for. Give a go.
2 :
i was thinking aukland, it has the best climate, but if you wanna avoid big cities maybe rotorura.
3 :
I have lived in Wairoa for 7 years. Wairoa is on the north Island on the east coast between Gisborne and Napier. It's very isolated and quiet. Lake Waikaremoana is near by.
4 :
Gisborne.
5 :
West Coast of the South Island, Greymouth, Hokitika, Westport or the Buller and Grey districts. It gets more expensive as you head up the Islands and living that close to a town it would have to be a small town, working in small town is not what you know.....it's who you know! Check out the website www.trademe.co.nz (NZs form of ebay) click on the property for sale and that will give you and idea Good luck and if you get here welcome
6 :
Gisborne or Taupo.
7 :
I would suggest the Taupo area, away from the tourist area and go around the sides of the lake from there.
8 :
methven
9 :
I actually think rotorua is the best place. It's not so big. The population is around 60,000-70,000 so it's not deserted like taupo. That's the worst place I have ever lived and rotorua and Auckland are the best places. Rotorua has alot of lakes near by but the houses are expensive. If U want inexPensive it's best to go to crappy toWns.
10 :
Live in the Waikato - plenty of options for living and the lakes are only an hour away. Plenty of work available as well
11 :
Christchurch or Hamilton for work and recreation. But anywhere in NZ is fine. Bon Voyage !!
12 :
I would live in ASHBURTON, in the South Island. We are a small town with good work available, and land is still cheap here.
13 :
the most inexpensive place would be in the southland region, tiny towns called 'nightcaps' and nearby places to there. $20,000NZ it cost my uncle to buy a 3 bedroom house with garage on its own section and there was no crime, if you want to go to a slightly larger town with more restuarants you could live in Invercargill which is also cheap but is big enough to have a mcdonalds in the north island Huntly and Wairoa are cheap, but there are gangs there and youth crime
14 :
West Coast South Island for you my friend. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)