How can I improve this?
I've been working on this and have made some major edits, but I'm just not sure about it. How can improve this? Any advice, tips, or feedback is greatly appreciated! ----- I need to go find what the source of that awful smell is, but I’m a little preoccupied by the balloons filled with jelly that line the floor and the toilet paper draped over every conceivable piece of furniture. I wouldn’t even be able to tell it was the living room of Wellington House if I hadn’t lived there for almost four years. I pick through the wreckage, trying to decide what worse: the stench that I’m now eighty percent sure is a rotting fish or the fact that I’m in charge of cleaning up the whole mess. I’ve almost decided on the stink when Josie, my second in command, calls out, “Hey, Lo, look at this,†in as quiet a voice as she can manage so as not to wake the other girls. Praying that none of them pop, I wade through the balloons—ankle deep, no less---over to where Josie is inspecting a piece of paper. She hands it to me and I silently begin to read, my face turning an attractive splotchy red color with each word. “Dear girls,†the note began, “Welcome back to the new school year! We hope you will enjoy our small gift to celebrate your return. We acknowledge it’s not much, but we promise there will be more to come. Sincerely, the boys.†The note is written official school stationary with the familiar logo bearing the name “Clermont School for the Gifted†at the top. The boys. There’s no specific name at the bottom, but I’d know that scratchy handwriting anywhere. “Topher,†I muttered aloud, and Josie just nodded knowingly. Topher and I went way back. All the way back to the first day of sixth grade, in fact, when we both got accepted to Clermont. His acceptance has more to do with his last name and his father’s pocketbook whereas I had to actually take the test to get a scholarship. His real name is Christopher with some ridiculous suffix, but he insists on being called Topher. Our story goes like this: boy meets girl, boy makes fun of girl’s hand me down shoes, girl cries, boy laughs, girl hates boy forever The attack on our house isn’t particularly shocking when you consider his mean spirited character. But still, the first day of the new school year is still two days away. Everyone has barely had time to unpack. It is usually acknowledged that the wars don’t really start until a couple of weeks into the term. Some years are less eventful than others, but it’s clear they mean war this time. Josie and I stand there amidst the debris; the scene looks weirdly peaceful with only the moon lighting it. I don’t want to speak because speaking means I’m acknowledging the issue and acknowledging the issue means I have to do something about it and I’m not quite ready to step into my role as leader yet. Finally, Josie breaks the silence by saying, “We really should get our locks changed.†I nod, still unwilling to say anything. I repeat the phrases "you are a senior. You are in charge. You have to fix this" like a mantra. Finally, when I feel I’ve indoctrinated myself well enough for the time being, I say, “Start cleaning up the toilet paper, I’ll find the fish. We’ll take care of the balloons in a minute.†Josie nods, relieved that I’m taking charge so she doesn’t have to. “Lorraine,†she says, and I’m immediately alarmed because the only time she uses my full name instead of Lo is when she’s got bad news or something hard to say. “You’re doing fine.†She awkwardly pats me on the back and I thank her. I’m not what you’d call “expressive†so I think we’re both relieved when we get on to cleaning the room and don’t have to speak anymore. The boys have done an excellent job of destroying our living room, and I find myself being actually thankful that they limited their attack to a single room. Josie goes into the kitchen to get a trash bag and I hear a crash as she opens a cabinet and plates come spilling out. Someone hasn’t done their dish duty properly and I feel a vague urge of responsibility to lecture someone about it, but like everything, it passes.
Books & Authors - 3 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
do you really expect us to do your homework for you? :P
2 :
Its really good! :) Keep it up!
3 :
"I wouldn’t even be able to tell it was the living room of Wellington House if I hadn’t lived there for almost four years." I got lost here. I thought you meant "it" was the smell, and the smell was the living room. "I doubt I could have recognized the space as the living room, but I have the advantage of living in the Wellington House for almost four years." ----- “Topher,†I muttered aloud, and Josie just nodded knowingly. Topher and I went way back. You are unnecessarily wordy. "Topher," I muttered, and Josie nodded. ----- "All the way back to the first day of sixth grade, in fact, when we both got accepted to Clermont. " This is an awkward sentence fragment. I say take the last sentence of the paragraph before this one, and move it to this new paragraph, and you'll have a better introduction. "Topher and I go way back, all the way back to the first day of sixth grade when we were both accepted to Clermont." ----- "His acceptance has more to do with his last name and his father’s pocketbook" Love how you give this information about the character :) Though, you're telling the main story in present tense, you still want to tell past events in past tense, so it would be "His acceptance 'had' more to do..." ----- Our story goes like this: boy meets girl, boy makes fun of girl’s hand me down shoes, girl cries, boy laughs, girl hates boy forever Hehe! Love it! Should be "hand-me-down" ;) ----- The attack on our house isn’t particularly shocking when you consider his mean spirited character. Ahh, now why'd you go and do that!? You already gave us the backstory and showed us what he did! No need to treat the reader like an idiot, telling us blatantly that this guy is mean. Delete this sentence and it will be much better. ----- "the wars don’t really start until a couple of weeks into the term. " This is a great tidbit, but it might be more effectively used earlier in the story. It would actually be a great first line! "The wars don't usually start until a couple of weeks into the term, but here I am, spending my first night figuring out where an awful smell is coming from. There are balloons filled with jelly lining the floor and toilet paper draped over every piece of furniture..." At least it gives the mess a little context. When I first started reading, I thought she was in a messy orphanage or something lol! ---- Not bad at all! I'm only being nitpicky because it definitely has potential. You have a great writing voice. Keep it up!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Should I study abroad in Italy or New Zealand
Should I study abroad in Italy or New Zealand?
I'm not sure if the first time I tried asking this it worked, so sorry if I'm reposting. Deadlines are coming soon and I need to apply. I plan on studying abroad spring 2010 with CIS in either New Zealand or Italy I just can't decide. I go to college in the U.S and I'm a poli sci major. I also speak spanish and took italian during hs and for two semesters in college. New Zealand sounds amazing from the blogs I've read and less expensive than Italy. But Italy is a short trip away from all the rest of europe and with so much history. If I were to study in New Zealand it would be in Wellington and if it were Italy I would be in florence or perugia. Please help me decide, or provide links or personal experiences. I appreciate it xD
Studying Abroad - 2 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
u can chose new zealand it has great carrier opportunities in italy u have u face many problems. u can also chose us
2 :
I'd say NZ.
I'm not sure if the first time I tried asking this it worked, so sorry if I'm reposting. Deadlines are coming soon and I need to apply. I plan on studying abroad spring 2010 with CIS in either New Zealand or Italy I just can't decide. I go to college in the U.S and I'm a poli sci major. I also speak spanish and took italian during hs and for two semesters in college. New Zealand sounds amazing from the blogs I've read and less expensive than Italy. But Italy is a short trip away from all the rest of europe and with so much history. If I were to study in New Zealand it would be in Wellington and if it were Italy I would be in florence or perugia. Please help me decide, or provide links or personal experiences. I appreciate it xD
Studying Abroad - 2 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
u can chose new zealand it has great carrier opportunities in italy u have u face many problems. u can also chose us
2 :
I'd say NZ.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Dolphin rescues two stranded pymgy sperm whales. Your thoughts
Dolphin rescues two stranded pymgy sperm whales. Your thoughts?
Wellington - A friendly dolphin saved two pygmy sperm whales stranded off a New Zealand beach, steering them out to sea, according to a Conservation Department worker quoted in a news report on Wednesday. "It was amazing," Malcolm Smith said. "It was like she grabbed them by the flipper and led them to safety." He said he had worked for over an hour off Mahia, on the east coast of the North Island on Monday,trying to refloat the mother whale and her one-year-old male calf. After four unsuccessful attempts, he feared they would have to be euthanised. Smith said the whales were getting tired and he was getting cold when a dolphin who regularly plays off the beach, called Moko by local residents, turned up, the New Zealand Press Association reported. "The whales were sitting on the surface of the water quite distressed, they had arched their backs and were calling to one another, but as soon as the dolphin turned up they submerged into the water and followed her," Smith said. Two different species yet they're able to get along! If sea creatures can do this why can't we? ( ^ _ ^ ) Truly amazing!
Other - Society & Culture - 5 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
I agree. Whales and dolphins are both awesome creatures! It's a real treat to see them in the wild, too. Saw dolphin for the first time last April in Malibu, and saw a whale for the first time off the Oregon Coast last July. Unforgettable experience, both.
2 :
Sort of makes you consider that humans do not have a monopoly on "humanity" doesn't it?
3 :
I love to hear things like that. We should take a lesson from that. I saw a video on you tube that a leopard had killed a primate and the primate had baby with it that he leopard had not seen and instead of the leopard killing it, it took care of it and watched over it. If I can find the video I will add it to this answer. Here is the video that I was talking about. Watch it all the way through. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceQr90C0Em0
4 :
WAY COOL! who will now say that only humans can show compassion?
5 :
Okay, I hate to be the party-pooper here ... but everybody re-read the last paragraph, please. It says that when the dolphin showed up, the whales followed her. That is not necessarily a "rescue," my friends. Especially since that dolphin ALWAYS played near that beach -- so it wasn't as if the dolphin was there JUST because the whales called out. Don't get me wrong, I think this is a great story and I'm glad the whales are okay .... but portraying this as a "rescue" on the dolphin's part is just a bit over the top. .
Wellington - A friendly dolphin saved two pygmy sperm whales stranded off a New Zealand beach, steering them out to sea, according to a Conservation Department worker quoted in a news report on Wednesday. "It was amazing," Malcolm Smith said. "It was like she grabbed them by the flipper and led them to safety." He said he had worked for over an hour off Mahia, on the east coast of the North Island on Monday,trying to refloat the mother whale and her one-year-old male calf. After four unsuccessful attempts, he feared they would have to be euthanised. Smith said the whales were getting tired and he was getting cold when a dolphin who regularly plays off the beach, called Moko by local residents, turned up, the New Zealand Press Association reported. "The whales were sitting on the surface of the water quite distressed, they had arched their backs and were calling to one another, but as soon as the dolphin turned up they submerged into the water and followed her," Smith said. Two different species yet they're able to get along! If sea creatures can do this why can't we? ( ^ _ ^ ) Truly amazing!
Other - Society & Culture - 5 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
I agree. Whales and dolphins are both awesome creatures! It's a real treat to see them in the wild, too. Saw dolphin for the first time last April in Malibu, and saw a whale for the first time off the Oregon Coast last July. Unforgettable experience, both.
2 :
Sort of makes you consider that humans do not have a monopoly on "humanity" doesn't it?
3 :
I love to hear things like that. We should take a lesson from that. I saw a video on you tube that a leopard had killed a primate and the primate had baby with it that he leopard had not seen and instead of the leopard killing it, it took care of it and watched over it. If I can find the video I will add it to this answer. Here is the video that I was talking about. Watch it all the way through. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceQr90C0Em0
4 :
WAY COOL! who will now say that only humans can show compassion?
5 :
Okay, I hate to be the party-pooper here ... but everybody re-read the last paragraph, please. It says that when the dolphin showed up, the whales followed her. That is not necessarily a "rescue," my friends. Especially since that dolphin ALWAYS played near that beach -- so it wasn't as if the dolphin was there JUST because the whales called out. Don't get me wrong, I think this is a great story and I'm glad the whales are okay .... but portraying this as a "rescue" on the dolphin's part is just a bit over the top. .
Thursday, March 1, 2012
How can I improve this
How can I improve this?
I've been working on this and have made some major edits, but I'm just not sure about it. How can improve this? Any advice, tips, or feedback is greatly appreciated! ----- I need to go find what the source of that awful smell is, but I’m a little preoccupied by the balloons filled with jelly that line the floor and the toilet paper draped over every conceivable piece of furniture. I wouldn’t even be able to tell it was the living room of Wellington House if I hadn’t lived there for almost four years. I pick through the wreckage, trying to decide what worse: the stench that I’m now eighty percent sure is a rotting fish or the fact that I’m in charge of cleaning up the whole mess. I’ve almost decided on the stink when Josie, my second in command, calls out, “Hey, Lo, look at this,†in as quiet a voice as she can manage so as not to wake the other girls. Praying that none of them pop, I wade through the balloons—ankle deep, no less---over to where Josie is inspecting a piece of paper. She hands it to me and I silently begin to read, my face turning an attractive splotchy red color with each word. “Dear girls,†the note began, “Welcome back to the new school year! We hope you will enjoy our small gift to celebrate your return. We acknowledge it’s not much, but we promise there will be more to come. Sincerely, the boys.†The note is written official school stationary with the familiar logo bearing the name “Clermont School for the Gifted†at the top. The boys. There’s no specific name at the bottom, but I’d know that scratchy handwriting anywhere. “Topher,†I muttered aloud, and Josie just nodded knowingly. Topher and I went way back. All the way back to the first day of sixth grade, in fact, when we both got accepted to Clermont. His acceptance has more to do with his last name and his father’s pocketbook whereas I had to actually take the test to get a scholarship. His real name is Christopher with some ridiculous suffix, but he insists on being called Topher. Our story goes like this: boy meets girl, boy makes fun of girl’s hand me down shoes, girl cries, boy laughs, girl hates boy forever The attack on our house isn’t particularly shocking when you consider his mean spirited character. But still, the first day of the new school year is still two days away. Everyone has barely had time to unpack. It is usually acknowledged that the wars don’t really start until a couple of weeks into the term. Some years are less eventful than others, but it’s clear they mean war this time. Josie and I stand there amidst the debris; the scene looks weirdly peaceful with only the moon lighting it. I don’t want to speak because speaking means I’m acknowledging the issue and acknowledging the issue means I have to do something about it and I’m not quite ready to step into my role as leader yet. Finally, Josie breaks the silence by saying, “We really should get our locks changed.†I nod, still unwilling to say anything. I repeat the phrases "you are a senior. You are in charge. You have to fix this" like a mantra. Finally, when I feel I’ve indoctrinated myself well enough for the time being, I say, “Start cleaning up the toilet paper, I’ll find the fish. We’ll take care of the balloons in a minute.†Josie nods, relieved that I’m taking charge so she doesn’t have to. “Lorraine,†she says, and I’m immediately alarmed because the only time she uses my full name instead of Lo is when she’s got bad news or something hard to say. “You’re doing fine.†She awkwardly pats me on the back and I thank her. I’m not what you’d call “expressive†so I think we’re both relieved when we get on to cleaning the room and don’t have to speak anymore. The boys have done an excellent job of destroying our living room, and I find myself being actually thankful that they limited their attack to a single room. Josie goes into the kitchen to get a trash bag and I hear a crash as she opens a cabinet and plates come spilling out. Someone hasn’t done their dish duty properly and I feel a vague urge of responsibility to lecture someone about it, but like everything, it passes.
Books & Authors - 3 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
do you really expect us to do your homework for you? :P
2 :
Its really good! :) Keep it up!
3 :
"I wouldn’t even be able to tell it was the living room of Wellington House if I hadn’t lived there for almost four years." I got lost here. I thought you meant "it" was the smell, and the smell was the living room. "I doubt I could have recognized the space as the living room, but I have the advantage of living in the Wellington House for almost four years." ----- “Topher,†I muttered aloud, and Josie just nodded knowingly. Topher and I went way back. You are unnecessarily wordy. "Topher," I muttered, and Josie nodded. ----- "All the way back to the first day of sixth grade, in fact, when we both got accepted to Clermont. " This is an awkward sentence fragment. I say take the last sentence of the paragraph before this one, and move it to this new paragraph, and you'll have a better introduction. "Topher and I go way back, all the way back to the first day of sixth grade when we were both accepted to Clermont." ----- "His acceptance has more to do with his last name and his father’s pocketbook" Love how you give this information about the character :) Though, you're telling the main story in present tense, you still want to tell past events in past tense, so it would be "His acceptance 'had' more to do..." ----- Our story goes like this: boy meets girl, boy makes fun of girl’s hand me down shoes, girl cries, boy laughs, girl hates boy forever Hehe! Love it! Should be "hand-me-down" ;) ----- The attack on our house isn’t particularly shocking when you consider his mean spirited character. Ahh, now why'd you go and do that!? You already gave us the backstory and showed us what he did! No need to treat the reader like an idiot, telling us blatantly that this guy is mean. Delete this sentence and it will be much better. ----- "the wars don’t really start until a couple of weeks into the term. " This is a great tidbit, but it might be more effectively used earlier in the story. It would actually be a great first line! "The wars don't usually start until a couple of weeks into the term, but here I am, spending my first night figuring out where an awful smell is coming from. There are balloons filled with jelly lining the floor and toilet paper draped over every piece of furniture..." At least it gives the mess a little context. When I first started reading, I thought she was in a messy orphanage or something lol! ---- Not bad at all! I'm only being nitpicky because it definitely has potential. You have a great writing voice. Keep it up!
I've been working on this and have made some major edits, but I'm just not sure about it. How can improve this? Any advice, tips, or feedback is greatly appreciated! ----- I need to go find what the source of that awful smell is, but I’m a little preoccupied by the balloons filled with jelly that line the floor and the toilet paper draped over every conceivable piece of furniture. I wouldn’t even be able to tell it was the living room of Wellington House if I hadn’t lived there for almost four years. I pick through the wreckage, trying to decide what worse: the stench that I’m now eighty percent sure is a rotting fish or the fact that I’m in charge of cleaning up the whole mess. I’ve almost decided on the stink when Josie, my second in command, calls out, “Hey, Lo, look at this,†in as quiet a voice as she can manage so as not to wake the other girls. Praying that none of them pop, I wade through the balloons—ankle deep, no less---over to where Josie is inspecting a piece of paper. She hands it to me and I silently begin to read, my face turning an attractive splotchy red color with each word. “Dear girls,†the note began, “Welcome back to the new school year! We hope you will enjoy our small gift to celebrate your return. We acknowledge it’s not much, but we promise there will be more to come. Sincerely, the boys.†The note is written official school stationary with the familiar logo bearing the name “Clermont School for the Gifted†at the top. The boys. There’s no specific name at the bottom, but I’d know that scratchy handwriting anywhere. “Topher,†I muttered aloud, and Josie just nodded knowingly. Topher and I went way back. All the way back to the first day of sixth grade, in fact, when we both got accepted to Clermont. His acceptance has more to do with his last name and his father’s pocketbook whereas I had to actually take the test to get a scholarship. His real name is Christopher with some ridiculous suffix, but he insists on being called Topher. Our story goes like this: boy meets girl, boy makes fun of girl’s hand me down shoes, girl cries, boy laughs, girl hates boy forever The attack on our house isn’t particularly shocking when you consider his mean spirited character. But still, the first day of the new school year is still two days away. Everyone has barely had time to unpack. It is usually acknowledged that the wars don’t really start until a couple of weeks into the term. Some years are less eventful than others, but it’s clear they mean war this time. Josie and I stand there amidst the debris; the scene looks weirdly peaceful with only the moon lighting it. I don’t want to speak because speaking means I’m acknowledging the issue and acknowledging the issue means I have to do something about it and I’m not quite ready to step into my role as leader yet. Finally, Josie breaks the silence by saying, “We really should get our locks changed.†I nod, still unwilling to say anything. I repeat the phrases "you are a senior. You are in charge. You have to fix this" like a mantra. Finally, when I feel I’ve indoctrinated myself well enough for the time being, I say, “Start cleaning up the toilet paper, I’ll find the fish. We’ll take care of the balloons in a minute.†Josie nods, relieved that I’m taking charge so she doesn’t have to. “Lorraine,†she says, and I’m immediately alarmed because the only time she uses my full name instead of Lo is when she’s got bad news or something hard to say. “You’re doing fine.†She awkwardly pats me on the back and I thank her. I’m not what you’d call “expressive†so I think we’re both relieved when we get on to cleaning the room and don’t have to speak anymore. The boys have done an excellent job of destroying our living room, and I find myself being actually thankful that they limited their attack to a single room. Josie goes into the kitchen to get a trash bag and I hear a crash as she opens a cabinet and plates come spilling out. Someone hasn’t done their dish duty properly and I feel a vague urge of responsibility to lecture someone about it, but like everything, it passes.
Books & Authors - 3 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
do you really expect us to do your homework for you? :P
2 :
Its really good! :) Keep it up!
3 :
"I wouldn’t even be able to tell it was the living room of Wellington House if I hadn’t lived there for almost four years." I got lost here. I thought you meant "it" was the smell, and the smell was the living room. "I doubt I could have recognized the space as the living room, but I have the advantage of living in the Wellington House for almost four years." ----- “Topher,†I muttered aloud, and Josie just nodded knowingly. Topher and I went way back. You are unnecessarily wordy. "Topher," I muttered, and Josie nodded. ----- "All the way back to the first day of sixth grade, in fact, when we both got accepted to Clermont. " This is an awkward sentence fragment. I say take the last sentence of the paragraph before this one, and move it to this new paragraph, and you'll have a better introduction. "Topher and I go way back, all the way back to the first day of sixth grade when we were both accepted to Clermont." ----- "His acceptance has more to do with his last name and his father’s pocketbook" Love how you give this information about the character :) Though, you're telling the main story in present tense, you still want to tell past events in past tense, so it would be "His acceptance 'had' more to do..." ----- Our story goes like this: boy meets girl, boy makes fun of girl’s hand me down shoes, girl cries, boy laughs, girl hates boy forever Hehe! Love it! Should be "hand-me-down" ;) ----- The attack on our house isn’t particularly shocking when you consider his mean spirited character. Ahh, now why'd you go and do that!? You already gave us the backstory and showed us what he did! No need to treat the reader like an idiot, telling us blatantly that this guy is mean. Delete this sentence and it will be much better. ----- "the wars don’t really start until a couple of weeks into the term. " This is a great tidbit, but it might be more effectively used earlier in the story. It would actually be a great first line! "The wars don't usually start until a couple of weeks into the term, but here I am, spending my first night figuring out where an awful smell is coming from. There are balloons filled with jelly lining the floor and toilet paper draped over every piece of furniture..." At least it gives the mess a little context. When I first started reading, I thought she was in a messy orphanage or something lol! ---- Not bad at all! I'm only being nitpicky because it definitely has potential. You have a great writing voice. Keep it up!
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